day four, five and six

ok, alright guys. i didn't post friday, saturday OR sunday, but it was because i was busy...living :)
not that i'm sure anyone follows or cares enough to ask themselves
"wonder where cali is today?"
right. ha.

chattanooga was a much needed mini-vaca. a simple time with a superb friend.
fazolli's and wine....well it doesn't get much better than that :)
we talked, laughed, laughed harder, and caught up.
love simple nights.
makes you really appreciate life.

during the weekend i had an ah-ha moment. i realized that although i may be quitting my job and am not sure on where i want to finish my degree....the unknown is exhilarating.
i'm uncomfortable.
i'm scared.
i don't know what i want to do right now.
and as crazy as it sounds, it is so peaceful.

because I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.
i'm excited about this upcoming semester
and seeing where the rest of 2010 will lead.

life is such a small oppurtunity and i have not been seizing it.
i know these people who travel around the u.s. live in cabins, lofts, anywhere and work around the town they're exploring at the time.
i envy people who can just give life control instead of little ole me who is desperately clinging on to whatever "life" i think i have. and trying even more desperately to control it.

as worrisome as life has been for me. i.e. trying to 'plan' life and making wrong choices and not knowing, death is equally terrifying.

7.24.2010 marked the ten year anniversary of my papaw dying. a decade. insane. what a man, Charles Freeman Vining, II (a.k.a. Junior), was. he worked outside until the day he died. he was the youngest brother of four girls. i don't think he ever said "i love you" but it showed through his actions. a tough exterior, but, and i didn't realize this until i got older, a soft soul that just wasn't told "i love you" enough. he was set in his ways and was scary to all of the other grandchildren, but i knew he was all talk and i always stood up to him. he respected me for that. i was 13 when he died, but he already saw enough of himself in me, that he warned my parents to watch out for me :) i wish i could've known him as an adult, so i could've appreciated his wisdom. instead of just the man who would yell at me to move all of my stuff when i'd visit. i miss those days.

my mom and i vistited his grave. he was so particular that we picked all the debris that was on his tombstone off because we knew it would bother him too much :)
i wonder what he is like in Heaven. i'm sure he and God have had some words :)

i believe in heaven and i believe in God, but the afterlife intrigues me so much that it scares me. comprehend? yeah, i don't either.
i fixate on death sometimes.
when will i die?
what will i have done with my life?
who will be at my funeral?
these are a different version than the questions i asked the other day. the kind to not measure what accomplishments i've made, but the discouraging kind, like "what haven't i done?"
questions like these have plagued my thoughts since i was a child.
no more, questions. i'm done. instead of constantly worrying what i do with my life, i'm going to do my life.

my precious memaw asks me everytime, and i mean everytime, i see her if i have a boyfriend.

and this is, everytime, how the conversation goes.

memaw - "cali, do you have a boyfriend?"

cali- "NO, MEMAW, I DO NOT." (in caps, not yelling, bc she can't hear...anything)*

memaw - "(gasp!), you don't?", "why not?"

cali - (in my head, well if i knew the answer, i'd probably have one) "i don't know memaw."
memaw - "well how in the world can you be happy"

cali - "i'm working on it"

cool memaw

hahaha i laugh everytime we have this conversation.

my dating life is a whole other story, probably a whole other blog.

bless her heart, she just wants to see my happy, married, and knocked up.

but it ain't happnin' anytime soon, granny.

(during these recurring convos, a bitter tone maybe added during times of breakups and letdowns) :)

it breaks my heart when she talks about when she was young because i know she longs to be so again.

it bothers me when i have to walk past an elderly person because they're walking too slow.

but maybe, they've discovered something i haven't...

slow down and enjoy the world, because, while i'm busy running in and out of places,

they stop and notice.
everything.
sights, smells, noises, that i miss, they cherish. because, for them, the end of their life here on earth is iminent.
i'm going to start this now.
enjoying this day for what it is because, as cliche as this may sound, tomorrow may never come.

i am so excited about what the future holds. i've been holding myself back for so long.
i'm letting go and letting life lead me where i need to be.
where that will take me, i do not know, but i sure do hope they have a Starbuck's :)

__________________________________________________________________
*i always use a patient toungue when talking to my grandmother because although she may forget and ask the same question twenty million times and can't hear, there will be one day when she doesn't talk, or ask questions, or make me scream "NO, I DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND"
my mom read me a quote when i was younger that was a little like what i'm explaining:
"when they ask you the question, answer.
 when they ask you the question again, answer.
 when they ask you the question again, answer.
 because one day they won't be here to ask."
that always stuck out with me. go hug your grandparents.
i wish i would've hugged my papaw more.