day eight nine and ten

ain't it funny how the night moves...
182 nights ago, me and my friends, mary mae and ashley, were just getting settled into our apartment.
with snow heavily laying on the ground.
and excitment of the next 6 months all around. (i did NOT plan for that to rhyme).
and now, we're moving out.
scorching sun heavily beating down on us.
sad to see it end, but thankful for the time and memories made together.
ain't it funny how the night moves.
yes, bob seger, it is.

mary mae, ashley and myself

this was my first experience living on my own, mind you.
my, oh, my how the time flies.
2010 has been an inspiring and insightful year.
i have learned so much about myself and other people.
i have lost some friends and made some new ones.
as of today, i no longer work at the wellness center
(disclaimer: i quit...didn't get fired!).
moving back in with the p's tomorrow.
237957987 memories.
and tons of excitement for this next chapter.

i am finally excited about the future (instead of worrying incessantly).
and looking forward to creating the life i want :)

day seven

i'm moving back in with the p's at the end of this week.
bitter sweet.
no rent check.
no utility bill.
no cable bill.
no freedom

so some soul searching had to take place.
yes, i love my parents and am glad to see the above mentioned bills x'ed off the list, but i will miss the freedom and independence with living alone. (or with a roommate, but still more alone than with parents)
cooking alone.
watching t.v. alone.
being alone.

a state of being i have grown to love, yet hate to be.
alone.

i watched another movie today called Broken English. its a 2007 Sundance film and stars Parkey Posey and Drea de Matteo. it, like Amelie, is about searching for life and finding happiness. joyful film.
a clip from the film where parker posey's character, nora, meets this man at a bar and he gives her a piece of informtation.
man "most people are together just so they are not alone, but some people want magic. i think you are one of those people"
nora "is there something wrong with that.""
man "nothing but it doesn't happen all the time."
nora "does it ever happen?"
man "first of all you must find happiness in yourself, do you understand"
nora "i think so"
man "tomorrow you will start your life again"

this is close to one of my favortie quotes out of a movie. maybe because it hits so close to home for me at this moment.
in a time where i'm creating me and who i want to be and working on falling in love with myself, this was just a vote of confidence.
many of my friends have boyfriends, are falling in love and some are getting married. i'll admit its getting hard...and i'm only 23!
i in no way want to be walking down an aisle anytime soon, unless its filled with shoes or doughnuts, so i am in no rush to get married.
but it gets lonely sometimes. so movies like this are a breath of fresh air.

i'll continue to have my outrageous demands of the guy of my dreams, and if he never comes...i'll be ok as long as i am ok with me!
and i'm working on that :)

i saw a quote once that read "you are never alone if you like the person you're alone with"
touché

i think the past 6 months livin' out on my own has been a trying time.
i've hated myself.
been disappointed in myself.
extremely happy.
pissed off.
sad.
mad.
overjoyed.
memories that i will have forever.
so where i may be going back home, i'm going back a wiser person.
and for that i am thankful and ready for the next chapter of my life.

day four, five and six

ok, alright guys. i didn't post friday, saturday OR sunday, but it was because i was busy...living :)
not that i'm sure anyone follows or cares enough to ask themselves
"wonder where cali is today?"
right. ha.

chattanooga was a much needed mini-vaca. a simple time with a superb friend.
fazolli's and wine....well it doesn't get much better than that :)
we talked, laughed, laughed harder, and caught up.
love simple nights.
makes you really appreciate life.

during the weekend i had an ah-ha moment. i realized that although i may be quitting my job and am not sure on where i want to finish my degree....the unknown is exhilarating.
i'm uncomfortable.
i'm scared.
i don't know what i want to do right now.
and as crazy as it sounds, it is so peaceful.

because I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.
i'm excited about this upcoming semester
and seeing where the rest of 2010 will lead.

life is such a small oppurtunity and i have not been seizing it.
i know these people who travel around the u.s. live in cabins, lofts, anywhere and work around the town they're exploring at the time.
i envy people who can just give life control instead of little ole me who is desperately clinging on to whatever "life" i think i have. and trying even more desperately to control it.

as worrisome as life has been for me. i.e. trying to 'plan' life and making wrong choices and not knowing, death is equally terrifying.

7.24.2010 marked the ten year anniversary of my papaw dying. a decade. insane. what a man, Charles Freeman Vining, II (a.k.a. Junior), was. he worked outside until the day he died. he was the youngest brother of four girls. i don't think he ever said "i love you" but it showed through his actions. a tough exterior, but, and i didn't realize this until i got older, a soft soul that just wasn't told "i love you" enough. he was set in his ways and was scary to all of the other grandchildren, but i knew he was all talk and i always stood up to him. he respected me for that. i was 13 when he died, but he already saw enough of himself in me, that he warned my parents to watch out for me :) i wish i could've known him as an adult, so i could've appreciated his wisdom. instead of just the man who would yell at me to move all of my stuff when i'd visit. i miss those days.

my mom and i vistited his grave. he was so particular that we picked all the debris that was on his tombstone off because we knew it would bother him too much :)
i wonder what he is like in Heaven. i'm sure he and God have had some words :)

i believe in heaven and i believe in God, but the afterlife intrigues me so much that it scares me. comprehend? yeah, i don't either.
i fixate on death sometimes.
when will i die?
what will i have done with my life?
who will be at my funeral?
these are a different version than the questions i asked the other day. the kind to not measure what accomplishments i've made, but the discouraging kind, like "what haven't i done?"
questions like these have plagued my thoughts since i was a child.
no more, questions. i'm done. instead of constantly worrying what i do with my life, i'm going to do my life.

my precious memaw asks me everytime, and i mean everytime, i see her if i have a boyfriend.

and this is, everytime, how the conversation goes.

memaw - "cali, do you have a boyfriend?"

cali- "NO, MEMAW, I DO NOT." (in caps, not yelling, bc she can't hear...anything)*

memaw - "(gasp!), you don't?", "why not?"

cali - (in my head, well if i knew the answer, i'd probably have one) "i don't know memaw."
memaw - "well how in the world can you be happy"

cali - "i'm working on it"

cool memaw

hahaha i laugh everytime we have this conversation.

my dating life is a whole other story, probably a whole other blog.

bless her heart, she just wants to see my happy, married, and knocked up.

but it ain't happnin' anytime soon, granny.

(during these recurring convos, a bitter tone maybe added during times of breakups and letdowns) :)

it breaks my heart when she talks about when she was young because i know she longs to be so again.

it bothers me when i have to walk past an elderly person because they're walking too slow.

but maybe, they've discovered something i haven't...

slow down and enjoy the world, because, while i'm busy running in and out of places,

they stop and notice.
everything.
sights, smells, noises, that i miss, they cherish. because, for them, the end of their life here on earth is iminent.
i'm going to start this now.
enjoying this day for what it is because, as cliche as this may sound, tomorrow may never come.

i am so excited about what the future holds. i've been holding myself back for so long.
i'm letting go and letting life lead me where i need to be.
where that will take me, i do not know, but i sure do hope they have a Starbuck's :)

__________________________________________________________________
*i always use a patient toungue when talking to my grandmother because although she may forget and ask the same question twenty million times and can't hear, there will be one day when she doesn't talk, or ask questions, or make me scream "NO, I DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND"
my mom read me a quote when i was younger that was a little like what i'm explaining:
"when they ask you the question, answer.
 when they ask you the question again, answer.
 when they ask you the question again, answer.
 because one day they won't be here to ask."
that always stuck out with me. go hug your grandparents.
i wish i would've hugged my papaw more.

the real day two

We are all a little addicted to something.



I am addicted to:

• Starbuck's Caramel Frappuccinos
• Playing with my ears
• FACEBOOK

Now where I may not be willing to admit how serious some
(ah-hem, i.e., facebook) of the addictions are,
none of these seriously hurt me and those around me.

As I was reading the fabulous Dalton Daily Citizen this morning (may I add a congrats to all the winners of the elections - CONGRATULATIONS), I came across something highly disturbing...

Man pleads guilty in child's death

I worked with this guy 5 or 6 years ago at a local restaurant. Apparently he was high on cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana and alcohol when he beat his 5 week old. TO DEATH.

Hearing stories like this and watching shows like intervention,
seriously makes me question whether or not to have children.
Now I am not saying I forsee myself beating my child to death....
I just don't want to have a child that becomes addicted to black tar heroin,
or beats it's child to death.

Extreme. I know. But how does one know that they're not raising a child like this.

I've known bad parents to have amazing children. I've known amazing parents to have bad children.
Some parents are too strict or too lenient.
My parents were a nice mix. I believe.
I have made mistakes, plenty, but turned out decent. I believe. :)

BUT our parents can only guide us so far until we have to make decisions on our own. Bad or good.

Makes me wonder what road Nathan, the guy I worked with, took.
Did his parents do something wrong while he was growing up?
Where did he go wrong?
What lead him to go wrong?
What kind of life did he create?

Although my parents have faith in us (my younger brother and I), they still worry....
everytime we leave
everytime we don't answer
every minute
every day

Maybe its my age. Maybe its my mentality at this age. But as of right now, I want nothing to do with babies. I don't want my child to be pregnant at 16, smoke meth at 18, and die at 25.

Extreme. I know.

I have already worried enough about my future. Now I am creating it. Maybe babies will fit in one day, maybe they won't, and right now, I am okay with this.

On a lighter note...

Speaking of Starbuck's...and coffee.
As I was sipping my morning cup o' joe.
That was too hot
I realized life is like a cup of coffee (yes, I said coffee, not chocolates!)



you wait...and wait...and wait until its ready to drink
and then you have a small window of time to enjoy
before it gets too cold.


I feel like I have been waiting so long on the coffee to cool down that I've missed the moment where it is the perfect temperature.

This blog is my coffee cup.
I will fill it up everyday with thoughts.
And I will enjoy every drop of this cup of life.

semi-day two

Amélie
It is technically day two, precisely 12:14 am, as I begin my second post.

So far, I will admit, I've spent more time on this blog than Facebook on a normal day. But my excuse is....drumroll please....this is new and I've had to take time to create it.

you're welcome ;)

Back to Amelie...

...wait, not yet.

-A pet peeve of mine is when something isn't spelled right.

And Amelie doesn't have the acute accent above the first e. I THOUGHT I figured it out by holding down the alt key while pressing 130.

Release.

Voila...didn't work.

Curse it.

I did it again.

Voila is supposed to have a grave accent above the a. Apparently hp knew one day I was going to start writing a fascinating blog and they didn't want this to happen. So they decided to put this obstacle in my way - yeah, yeah ,yeah, you Mac lovers. I'm sure your Mac never leaves off an accent marking -

Amelie and Voila it is.

NOW back to Am(acute accented e)lie....

Amelie is a French film. Filmed in 2001. Amelie was nominated for 5 Oscars. Another 51 wins and 46 nominations.

Interesting I chose to watch this today. The day I start this blog....on the journey of creating myself.

Amelie's alleged heart condition forces her to live a sheltered life. She finds a long lost treasure and vows to return it to it's rightful owner. After witnessing his reaction, she decides to set out on bringing happiness to others.

Doing this for a while is fun, but Amelie soon realizes she hasn't done much for herself. After being reminded by a neighbor, she's grown to respect, that she can't be a brittle person, she decides to take life by the horns and falls in love with the life she created.

Watch this movie or you are a perdant - french for loser
(and yes BLOCKBUSTER has it) :)

Familiar, you say? Sounds like someone you know, you say?

I sure hope so :)

*and just for your curiousity...the time is now, precisely 1:14 am